So my friend Julie almost broke down in tears in front of me today. She cuts and she's been counting down the days to her birthday because she's planning to let herself get hit by a train on that day. And it's not a one-off. Everyday she tells me how many days left and I get really upset about it.
All that aside though, today we had sport. Right before we got into it, I noticed her weird behaviour. She looked like she was going to cry and when I went to hold her hand, she shrugged me off. She didn't do sports so my teacher told me to take her to the bathroom.
She told me a bit about her past. About how she was in so much depression that she started taking drugs. About how she met a guy and he changed her. About how she lost her virginity to him at the age of 13. And about how he left her on her own afterwards.
And now her best friend is planning on meeting with a random guy she met on facebook. Julie is trying to convince her not to go alone in case something happens but it turned into a huge argument and her 'best friend' brought up Julie's past. So now she's gonna literally try committing suicie even earlier. I'm scared for her, like really really scared and I don't know what to do.
To make matters worse, my best friend Leo's 8 year old sister has been in a coma for 12 hours. And I didn't know until a couple of hours ao. Her name is Andi and I've known her since she was a toddler so she's like a sister to me. When she was a baby, there was something wrong with her brain but it went away. This year though, they found a brain tumor.
All through the year I've seen her go through puking out blood, to having seizures and being hospitalized and now to a MOTHER FUCKING COMA. And the stupid fucking doctors keep postponing her surgery since APRIL. That was FOUR MONTHS AGO but because they keep postponing it, look at what's happened. I broke down in tears when I found out. Leo's by his sister's side and his gf Annie stayed for a bit too. I called her to find out how she is but Annie just broke down into tears too, making me break down again.
So right now I feel like my whole world is crashing down around me. My friend at school is planning on killing herself, my other friend's sister is on the verge of death, my mum is at the point of leaving the house forever, my boyfriend is currently living on the other side of the country and I have to fake a smile almost every second of my life. And doing that is getting harder.
People have noticed me changing too. The facade I've been holding up these past 4 years is starting to fade and people are starting to see through it. My fake smiles aren't working anymore and my real feelings are starting to surface. Teahcers ask me if I'm okay, my brother (who never notices anything) realised that I'm acting different, my friends no longer believe me when I say "everything's fine'. And I'm starting to crack.
I now have nowhere to go to. At first, anywhere was better than at home, then even school wasn't a getaway from things and now the only places I had left are filled with depression too. Not even sleep can save me. I've started having nightmares and I can't sleep. I'm scared that I might go back to cutting even after the haunting memories it gives me.
I want everything to end. I want to lie down in the middle of nowhere and just stare at the sky with an empty mind. Forever. I don't know what to do anymore. Everyone I trusted or loved is dead on the inside and now I'm left all alone. Again. I'm gonna lose it soon, I just know it.
xxRoselle.
All that aside though, today we had sport. Right before we got into it, I noticed her weird behaviour. She looked like she was going to cry and when I went to hold her hand, she shrugged me off. She didn't do sports so my teacher told me to take her to the bathroom.
She told me a bit about her past. About how she was in so much depression that she started taking drugs. About how she met a guy and he changed her. About how she lost her virginity to him at the age of 13. And about how he left her on her own afterwards.
And now her best friend is planning on meeting with a random guy she met on facebook. Julie is trying to convince her not to go alone in case something happens but it turned into a huge argument and her 'best friend' brought up Julie's past. So now she's gonna literally try committing suicie even earlier. I'm scared for her, like really really scared and I don't know what to do.
To make matters worse, my best friend Leo's 8 year old sister has been in a coma for 12 hours. And I didn't know until a couple of hours ao. Her name is Andi and I've known her since she was a toddler so she's like a sister to me. When she was a baby, there was something wrong with her brain but it went away. This year though, they found a brain tumor.
All through the year I've seen her go through puking out blood, to having seizures and being hospitalized and now to a MOTHER FUCKING COMA. And the stupid fucking doctors keep postponing her surgery since APRIL. That was FOUR MONTHS AGO but because they keep postponing it, look at what's happened. I broke down in tears when I found out. Leo's by his sister's side and his gf Annie stayed for a bit too. I called her to find out how she is but Annie just broke down into tears too, making me break down again.
So right now I feel like my whole world is crashing down around me. My friend at school is planning on killing herself, my other friend's sister is on the verge of death, my mum is at the point of leaving the house forever, my boyfriend is currently living on the other side of the country and I have to fake a smile almost every second of my life. And doing that is getting harder.
People have noticed me changing too. The facade I've been holding up these past 4 years is starting to fade and people are starting to see through it. My fake smiles aren't working anymore and my real feelings are starting to surface. Teahcers ask me if I'm okay, my brother (who never notices anything) realised that I'm acting different, my friends no longer believe me when I say "everything's fine'. And I'm starting to crack.
I now have nowhere to go to. At first, anywhere was better than at home, then even school wasn't a getaway from things and now the only places I had left are filled with depression too. Not even sleep can save me. I've started having nightmares and I can't sleep. I'm scared that I might go back to cutting even after the haunting memories it gives me.
I want everything to end. I want to lie down in the middle of nowhere and just stare at the sky with an empty mind. Forever. I don't know what to do anymore. Everyone I trusted or loved is dead on the inside and now I'm left all alone. Again. I'm gonna lose it soon, I just know it.
xxRoselle.
RSS Feed