So remember about my friend Julie crushing on her friend? Well yeah, yesterday she told me that it was all a lie. A freaking lie. Well not really, she just kind of re-enacted what happened before.
So it all seems a bit confusing now so let me explain.Julie did like her friend but that was months ago and she didn't tell anyone. She got over the whole phase but decided to tell me recently and make it seem like she liked her AT THAT TIME. She's a drama student so I guess its not surprising that I actually fell for it. But come on, WHY WOULD YOU RE-ENACT SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED BEFORE?!
I obviously tried to be all cool about it and joke around a bit, but inside I was pretty annoyed. It kind of makes me think that maybe all that heart-to-heart stuff she said to me was a lie too. That day I told her about how I used to cut myself and I'VE NEVER TALKED ABOUT IT TO ANYONE FROM SCHOOL. She's my friend and I'm trying to be all cool about it but I can't. I have trust issues so to tell her about things that I haven't tod anyone else (except probaby one person) and then find out that for a good whole month she's been ACTING to me? I am pissed.
And Andi (Leo's sister) is still in hospital. She hasn't changed since she went in. Leo is by her side whenever he can so I haven't really seen him around and Annie visits her often. I want to go see her but I can't really do that. So Annie just calls and tells me whats happened. The doctors said it'll be a short coma hopefully but it's been two-three days
and I haven't seen her so I'm worried as hell.
But anyhooo it's like 6 o'clock on a Saturday morning and I should be getting some sleep but Im busy talking to my friend's ex because he still likes her >>. I need to catch up on sleep too, so I'll try getting some z's. Bye bye :3
xxRoselle.
So my friend Julie almost broke down in tears in front of me today. She cuts and she's been counting down the days to her birthday because she's planning to let herself get hit by a train on that day. And it's not a one-off. Everyday she tells me how many days left and I get really upset about it.
All that aside though, today we had sport. Right before we got into it, I noticed her weird behaviour. She looked like she was going to cry and when I went to hold her hand, she shrugged me off. She didn't do sports so my teacher told me to take her to the bathroom.
She told me a bit about her past. About how she was in so much depression that she started taking drugs. About how she met a guy and he changed her. About how she lost her virginity to him at the age of 13. And about how he left her on her own afterwards.
And now her best friend is planning on meeting with a random guy she met on facebook. Julie is trying to convince her not to go alone in case something happens but it turned into a huge argument and her 'best friend' brought up Julie's past. So now she's gonna literally try committing suicie even earlier. I'm scared for her, like really really scared and I don't know what to do.
To make matters worse, my best friend Leo's 8 year old sister has been in a coma for 12 hours. And I didn't know until a couple of hours ao. Her name is Andi and I've known her since she was a toddler so she's like a sister to me. When she was a baby, there was something wrong with her brain but it went away. This year though, they found a brain tumor.
All through the year I've seen her go through puking out blood, to having seizures and being hospitalized and now to a MOTHER FUCKING COMA. And the stupid fucking doctors keep postponing her surgery since APRIL. That was FOUR MONTHS AGO but because they keep postponing it, look at what's happened. I broke down in tears when I found out. Leo's by his sister's side and his gf Annie stayed for a bit too. I called her to find out how she is but Annie just broke down into tears too, making me break down again.
So right now I feel like my whole world is crashing down around me. My friend at school is planning on killing herself, my other friend's sister is on the verge of death, my mum is at the point of leaving the house forever, my boyfriend is currently living on the other side of the country and I have to fake a smile almost every second of my life. And doing that is getting harder.
People have noticed me changing too. The facade I've been holding up these past 4 years is starting to fade and people are starting to see through it. My fake smiles aren't working anymore and my real feelings are starting to surface. Teahcers ask me if I'm okay, my brother (who never notices anything) realised that I'm acting different, my friends no longer believe me when I say "everything's fine'. And I'm starting to crack.
I now have nowhere to go to. At first, anywhere was better than at home, then even school wasn't a getaway from things and now the only places I had left are filled with depression too. Not even sleep can save me. I've started having nightmares and I can't sleep. I'm scared that I might go back to cutting even after the haunting memories it gives me.
I want everything to end. I want to lie down in the middle of nowhere and just stare at the sky with an empty mind. Forever. I don't know what to do anymore. Everyone I trusted or loved is dead on the inside and now I'm left all alone. Again. I'm gonna lose it soon, I just know it.
xxRoselle.
Title is self-explanatory. One of my school friends (I'll call her Julie, just to hide her identity) told me that she likes her best friend. I go to an all-girls school.
So Julie told me today and expected me to be grossed out and all but I just said I didn't mind. Which I don't. But... she denied being lesbian before. And she's crushing on her best friend who's absolutely clueless.
It's kind of cute though. Because she told me, she's been letting her feelings show a bit in front of me :) Like when she called out to her bst friend but she didnt turn around so Julie got all upset about it :P And she's a songwriter so she writes songs dedicated to her too. They're amazing btw. And she keeps thinking whether to tell her or not.
It's my first time having a lesbian friend so it's kind of weird but I'm not against it at all. I'm actually looking forward to see what will happen :D
Short blog but I'm busy so that's it for now. Bye!
xxRoselle.
Yo! Long time no blog :D So I've been busy with school and all (choosing my subjects for next year OTL) so I haven't blogged in a bit. GOOD NEWS THOUGH! My friend Matteo has officially made his little crush Shaun.. HIS BOYFRIEND.
Yes I am happy. His first ever relationship :') I've known him since I was 7 years old and for the first time he can happily say "Yes, I have a boyfriend."
But this happened a good 5 days ago >> and I've met Shaun and he seems really cute :3 Hopefully will upload a pic if I can :)
And even now I am busy so that's all for now :D I'll probably post some pics up tomorrow or make this blog prettier >> meh, not really bothered. Pish posh.
Cya Cyberpeople!
xxRoselle.
YO! sup people? First blog huh? feels a bit weird cos I've never actually done something like this before :/
but anyway dont relly know what to say and this is really awkward so I'll just introduce my amazing friends (they'll be mentioned A LOT) :D
Ok so there's six of them you should know about. They're like my 'gang' or whatever you wanna call it and we've known each other since we were as young as six :D But anyway, here they are:
- First there's Matteo. He's 17 and gay. He's pretty quiet and monotone.
- Then there's Lionel, or Leo for short. He's a super happy high 17 year old and is awesome to hang with.
- There's 16yr old Annie, who's Leo's girlfriend and she's NUTS. She is trying desperately to turn me 'feminine'.
- There's Aaron, who's 16 and he's a complete DAD. I even call him dad now >> e's super over-protective.
- Then my boyfriend Fouzi. He's 16 and we've been at it for just over a year :) He's a total dick and I never express feelings for him, but yes I love him :)
- And last but not least, there's Maryam. She's 15, dating Aaron AND she's Fouzi's sister (Technically she's dating her brother's best friend :/). Super girly but really caring so I call her mum :D
That's about it. Pretty confusing but it'll rub in soon :P
Anyway, that's all for now cos I gotta get some shut-eye. Bye!
xxRoselle.
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